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Squared Reviews Holiday Hiatus
Hey there good people,
We at Squared Reviews are going to be taking this Holiday Season off from writing reviews. We’ll be back again strong in the New Year! We love you all and look forward to providing you with more Snark and Circumstance!
Happy Holidays!!!
-The Staff of Squared Reviews
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Review of a Food Review: Pepperidge Farms Products
Today I’m reviewing Marilisa Kinney Sachteleben’s Pepperidge Farms Product Review. You can read it here. Right off the bat I’m going to admit that I’m a little biased. I’m feeling under the weather and there’s nothing quite like writing a food review review when you’re nauseous.
The most egregious warning sign of this review comes at the end. The woman’s food blog is called www.greatfood4u.blogspot.com, which has recipes for “healthy” caramel apples. I like Pepperidge Farms cookies as much as next person (especially the dark chocolate mint Milano ones) but they’re not good for you unless she’s suggesting that its good for you the same way that soul food is good for you.
Soul Food: food that shortens the time before you meet your maker.
“As a mom and preschool/ day care provider, I am always looking for great healthy snacks. ” Um…never mind. I’m glad I didn’t go to your daycare. In case you’re wondering, the “great healthy snacks” are Cheez-its and Goldfish crackers.
She writes, “Day care programs that receive federal funding, for example, are mandated to use the Sunshine Cheez-it brand snack crackers because they contain real cheese and have four grams of protein per serving. “
Sir, we got a tip off that you have no cheez-its.
First of all, it sounds like the Feds are coming to shut you down if you do not serve Cheez-its. And secondly, since when did anyone from middle class American need extra protein? When I was a kid, Cheez-its and Goldfish crackers were the shit and right up there with McDonald’s. Whatever happened to carrot sticks and apple slices? Or ants on a log?
To boost her food cred, she admits to cooking from scratching from time to time: “One of my favorite Pepperidge Farms products is their stuffing croutons and bread cubes for stuffing. If I don’t have time to cube my bread and dry them ahead of time, a bag of Pepperidge Farm bread crumbs works great.” Yeah, I’m not sure how we got from stuffing croutons and bread cubes to bread crumbs either.
I don’t want to make this review about her being a crap caregiver. I will leave that to her children. The real offense is that demotes perfectly good junk food to this dubious and less delicious “healthy” category.There is something so hypocritical about healthy or diet junk food. Diets are after all about suffering, pain, guilt, discipline, and lack.
But food aside, the review is too long for the dearth of information it actually contains. The title of her review states that she is covering bread crumbs, crackers, cookies, and cakes. As you’ve probably figured out, she likes these products. But besides championing their healthiness and utility, she does a surprisingly poor job of describing them. In fact, she never actually gets to the cakes.
“My personal favorite Pepperidge Farm cookie is Chessmen butter cookies. Each cookie is stamped with a chess playing piece; biting into one is like tasting buttery fresh bliss. Puts those other ‘butter’ cookies and shortbreads to shame. “
Yeah, that last sentence was a fragment. Doesn’t it look better like this:
“My personal favorite Pepperidge Farm cookie is Chessmen butter cookies. Each cookie is stamped with a chess playing piece; biting into one is like tasting buttery fresh bliss. Puts those other ‘butter’ cookies and shortbreads to shame. “
I rate this review a pair of beer goggles. She should give them to me so I can reread her review and rave about it.
Nash Tsang, DFTBA
The Squared Circle: Thanksgiving vs. The Justice League
Welcome to our weekly column, The Squared Circle, where instead of reviewing reviews, we have the whole staff chip in their opinions on which is the better product/investment between a current trend and a longtime classic.
Today’s topic: Thanksgiving vs. The Justice League
I could show a better picture to represent Thanksgiving, but come on. It’s a turkey in a hat.
Thanksgiving is a holiday happening this week in the US, and it’s where we eat lots of food and then, eat more food.
The Justice League is a superpowered team featuring the best heroes of the DC Comics, combining their forces to fight evil.
But which is the better pick? Which one do you get when you only get one? Let’s see what the staff has to say:
Nash Tsang says:
Stephen, congratulations for making me choose between Thanksgiving (nice idea but no historical basis at all) versus the Justice League (some sort of comic book). Indifference versus indifference is an equation for rage. Am I supposed to google the the Justice League? The wikipedia page is so *#&$ long with their multiple #*$&# universes. I don’t understand. Why can’t they just stay dead or not change their names? Stephen, why must you make my life more stressful with inane fictionalities. It would be so easy to choose Thanksgiving. So, I’m going to do just that. Happy Fat Turkey Day!
Stephen Ku says:
I might be the only comic book nerd here tonight, but mercy me, the Justice League is the kind of awesome you just can’t say no to. I mean, I’m the guy who had 20 Batman toys even though it was the same Batman with a different hat.
You know what Thanksgiving has? Oh yeah, sure it has food, but it also has the Macy’s Day Parade, which is the most mind-boggling thing ever. I don’t get it. It’s a line up of balloons and people acting too excited to see balloons. Are balloons supposed to be impressive? What the dealy-o. Thanksgiving’s great because it’s a giant meal, but seriously, there’s better things to watch.
The Justice League brings to the table the best of the best…and Aquaman. But honestly, that’s too easy a poke. They also have Green Arrow, who is a guy who I guess has not discovered yet “guns”. Okay, it’s getting a little harder to defend the Justice League. What I don’t get is why the Justice League ends up fighting villains that they’ve beaten solo before. Did you really need to bring your 7 friends to beat the crap out of Luthor this time Superman? What a jerk.
Okay, fine. Thanksgiving wins. If the Justice League’s as great as they claim to be, they’d beat me up and change this article.
Joseph Gutierrez says:
It’s pretty tough comparing an American holiday and a fictional team of superheroes trying to save the world. They are both beautiful ideas though, the coming together of pilgrims and Native Americans and the coming together of the universe’s greatest heroes to defeat evil. However, the Justice League has been split up and reformed so many times that it’s ridiculous and we all know what happened to the Native Americans. I’m going to have go with Thanksgiving, because every time you put me enjoying turkey against the fate of the universe, I’ll go with turkey.
Well, that wraps up this week, please help us out by clicking here to recommend us on Tumblr! Thanks for your help, and see you next time on…The Squared Circle!
Review of a Talking Picture review: MegaMind.
Hey there absentee voters and chimpanzees,
After a long two week hiatus, over the course of which I found myself, I’ve come back. and don’t worry, I found myself early on and then lost myself again, so everything will be just as it ever was.
This week I decided to pick on the New Yorker again because fuck those guys. Bruce Diones penned this piece of shit. And awaaay we go.
Everything is in 3D. EVERYTHING.
So, I’m pretty sure I’d have to subscribe to the New Yorker to read this whole review. Or this is the whole review. I did get this link from Rotten Tomatoes on a link that said “Full review.” Whatever the case, I’ll take this one paragraph ass-backwards-nothingness and make it into a legit review, because I am a fucking boss.
You want plot summary? Here’s what you get:
“The glib story concerns an evil genius (Ferrell) who turns to good after his nemesis (Pitt) is defeated” You know what? I’m not even upset at how little that summarizes the plot. You know what I’m upset about? The word Glib.
Word.
Diones explains, “The fast-paced wisecracks and ironic asides that are the studio’s hallmark help to push the film past the lumpy, generic storytelling.”
I don’t even care that this is just a sample, this glib writer represents everything I hate about snobby film critics. Movies like this are not made in French, and thus are not for those people who read the New Yorker, so why bother reviewing them? Because it’s simply an excuse to look smart for the smarmy fucks at The New Yorker and who read The New Yorker.
This guy. I hate this guy.
My rant is done, and now I depart, retiring while offering no rating to this review, merely a declaration that I hate this review.
The end.
Dash Kwiat, Staff Writer/ Lazarus, come from the dead?
Review of a Restaurant Review: Zazie
Today I broke down and am doing a review of a Yelp review. I’m not sure why someone decided to make a review site named after the sound that small animals make. In other words, critiquing Yelp reviews makes me feel like I’m crushing cute things with googly eyes under my evil Nazi boots. However, Margaret p. is an Elite ‘10 reviewer, which makes her slightly tougher. You can read her review of Zazie, a small restaurant in the San Francisco, here.
Aber ich liebe dich!
The main problem with Margaret p. can be seen in her very name; she’s on the Standardized English fence. its aite if u rite like dis. i wont take u seriously but if you switch back and forth, it makes my hed hurt. :( u kno wat i meanz?
Exhibit A: “Upon looking up ‘san francisco’ and ‘brunch’ my friend discovered Zazie looked quaint and the food looked tasty.”
Okay, the word choice is a little weird “discovered Zazie looked quaint” and San Francisco is not capitalized, but all in all this person seems to have a command of English. I will take her seriously. But then she writes, “My friend tell(sic) me that Zazie was just reviewed on “Check Please! Bay Area” so it’s gonna be a wittle kookoonuts.”
What the hell are kookoonuts? Cocoa puffs at at Koo Koo Roo’s? She probably thought she was really smart to make a portmanteau of “cukoo” and “nuts.” Because the real point of writing reviews is to create slang.
And does she mean “My friend told me” or the more colloquial “My friend tells me”? Did she forget an “s.” Is she being casual, is she an idiot, or does she has such low standards that she doesn’t proofread? This is important because sloppy and/or stupid people have stronger stomachs. I’m not saying that they don’t have high [no] standards, I’m just saying that they’ve probably built up an immune system so they can eat questionable food with no ill effects.
You should totally eat in the boy’s locker room. It made my grilled Cheesus taste French.
Kookoonuts aside, Margaret p.’s review actually makes we want to try Zazie’s. She puts a positive spin on waiting. She writes, “The funny thing about writing your name on the bottom of a long wiat list is that weak willed people will flee the scene.” You can say the same about this review. It wasn’t until the last full paragraph until I discovered they have gingerbread pancakes and “make your own mimosas”!!!
Unfortunately, it’s one thing to put up with indignity to eat delicious food — people will form and stand in lines automatically — but it’s another to make someone jump through grammatical hoops to discover a place worth waiting for. And also, it’s unnecessary and dopey.
I rate this review three Brittanies.
Sometimes I add a teaspoon of sand.
Nash Tsang, staff writer
The Squared Circle: Black Friday vs. Children’s Movie Sequels
Welcome to our weekly column, The Squared Circle, where instead of reviewing reviews, we have the whole staff chip in their opinions on which is the better product/investment between a current trend and a longtime classic.
Today’s topic: Black Friday vs. Children’s Movie Sequels
This week, we’ll be covering Black Friday, an annual day when multiple goods are slashed to prices so low, people line up starting at 1AM and in general, it gets pretty crazy.
Generally if a children’s movie does moderately, a direct-to-DVD sequel can’t be far behind. From Alladin, Lion King to Air Bud, sequels are a poorly scripted carbon copy inevitability.
But which is the less of two evils? Which one do you take if you’ve only got one? Let’s see what the staff has to say:
Dash Kwiat says:
So, I’ve missed two weeks of article writing, and for that, loyal readers, I am sorry. I assure you, it’s not because I’m abandoning you, it’s only because I hate Stephen.
Black Friday versus sequels, huh? I can do that. Let’s break these down.
Black Friday: Signs of the impending Apocalypse.
Sequels: Same.
Black Friday: Brings out the worst in people.
Sequels: Brings out the worst of voice actors.
Black Friday: I’m not sure where the name came from.
Sequels: Cuba Gooding Jr. is a regular in the Land Before Time sequels. He’s a black guy.
Black Friday: Got that camera I’ve always wanted.
Sequels: I never wanted this.
Black Friday is useful. Sure, it brings out that horrible hoarding nature that exists in most humans, and it makes us bloodthirsty and cut-throat. But I also got a cool camera a lot cheaper than I would have otherwise.
Children’s Sequels never did anything for anyone. Do you remember Snow Dogs 2: Electric Boogaloo? Yeah, I don’t either. [Cuba does].
Children’s movie sequels are really just an excuse to drain money from dumb parents, just like video games based on horrible kid’s movies. Sorry, Disney, but I can’t get behind The Hunchback of Notre Dame 8: The Final Showdown. I just can’t.
This one goes to Black Friday.
Nash Tsang says:
I think one of the most depressing things in the world are sequels to children’s films. It’s a manifestation of Peter Pan syndrome, except it’s worse. I mean it’s one thing to hold onto your childhood. And it’s another thing when old people act hip. But children’s film sequels are trying to do both…and often not very well. I mean, it’s not like grownups understand kids and once in a while they stumble onto something that works. And then they try to capitalize on it, and rope kids into watching it to remember when times were good. When there was less homework, when their kid brother wasn’t born yet, when they didn’t have their own kids. And then there’s Black Friday. I’ve never actually witnessed Black Friday properly; I like sleeping. A boyfriend once bought me a camera from Black Friday, but then he made me pay him back. I feel like Black Friday will go extinct within the next ten years due to online shopping.
But will people ever stop yearning to be young or try to take advantage of the young? I don’t think so.
So, sequels it is!
Shouldn’t it be called African-American Friday? I dunno, it seems bigoted to me to imply that right after eating a bunch of fowl a group of people would all go looking for deals. Beware the threat of mob violence also (a further negative association). And why do they call it HIStory, like it’s all about his story and not hers too? Oh, right, because then it’d be called HERtory, and that’s insipid. And Black Friday marks the beginning of the Christmas season (or the Winter Holidays for the adamantly politically correct), which imbues it with crass commercialism beyond itself. Which makes me ambivalent. On the one hand, I love Christmas for the sense of goodwill towards men (and women), the joyous anticipation, the family gatherings, and all the traditional trappings. On the other hand, I hate Walmart. Dilemma.
Andrew Dent says:
Similarly, there are a lot of great kid movie sequels. Toy Story, Shrek, Princess Diaries (what, Anne Hatheway is hot). Did they ever make a sequel to Kids? But on the other hand…Squeakquel. Gah. I guess you could say that, even though you might get an awesome movie franchise, there’s a lot of filth and discarded bilge to trek through. Just like shopping for a good deal, except by bilge I mean people. And by people, I mean bilge. That was an awful comparative stretch and I blame Stephen for it.
Stephen Ku says:
Hey, I like cheap digital products as much as the next person, at least, I thought I did until I went to Black Friday. Black Friday is like practice for a zombie apocalypse. I don’t even go there for products anymore. I just go into the middle of it all with my goggles and Captain America shield, and fight off hordes of people trying to get TVs.
And children’s sequels? Nothing says great movie like the same movie three more times, with a gender swapped villain or new character that adds nothing. You know what is funny though? Cuba Gooding Jr. not only doing Land Before Time sequels, but also doing Daddy Day Camp, where he’s playing Eddie Murphy playing a comedic dad. I’m an English major, and I just love the concept of meta-starving actors.
My vote goes to the kids sequels, because I come out of those with less bruises, and more horrible songs I can plague Dash with when I’m trying to sing about the importance of friendship.
Well, that wraps up this week, please help us out by clicking here to recommend us on Tumblr! Thanks for your help, and see you next time on…The Squared Circle!
